Whomp There It Is!

Or should I say, "Oops There it Is!"  I told my mom about Val.  Then Ed told his parents.  Then we told Ed's cousin Marshall and his boyfriend Lito who we are close with.  Then we swore them all to secrecy.  And Whomp There It Is...Our secret....it's leaking out....  And how do I feel about this?  Well, I'm strangely hearing "Whomp There It Is......Jump jump rejoice....There's a party over here a party over there...."  Well you get it...It feels good to celebrate a little even with a handful of people. 

In 6 days I will have my first OB appointment.  I am going to ask my OB some questions about Russ' autopsy report which should be relatively awkward.  If I weren't expecting, I would take some Xanax for this visit to ensure a productive, more likely to be tear-free meeting.  But, that's just not an option.  I was prescribed 60 low dose Xanax pills when Russ died.  I rationed them out for the most difficult days and ended up with quite a few extra which I am placing off limits now.  Perhaps it may seem weak that I turned to a drug after my son passed away.  Well, if you think that, let me tell you something...Tom Cruise is wrong and so are you.  When used properly there is a time and a place for what my husband calls "better living through chemistry."  If losing a child isn't a time when this is warranted, then WHAT IS?

I really want my OB to do an ultrasound at my appointment on Friday.  I think he is probably going to want to reschedule me for this during week 9.  At my appointment on Friday I will be 6 weeks & 4 days.  I really need to hear my baby's heart beat and know that this is a viable pregnancy.  Then I can put on a bigger pair of scrubs, go to work and OWN it that I am puffing up like a balloon....in fact celebrate it and be happy.  While baby Val might not be any bigger than a sweet pea, I am one of those lucky women that needs maternity pants as soon as the pee dries on the pregnancy test.  I retain a huge amount of water around my middle.  While not looking pregnant per se, I do look start to sport some magnificent muffin tops in regular clothes.  It's just better for everyone if I whip out the elastic pants. 

Anyway....I need to hear Val's heart beat so I can quit holding my breath and relax a bit.  I wasn't exactly naive with baby Russ about miscarriage.  Now, I know even more about the fragility of life.
On a lighter note, my mom actually thought I was serious about naming our child "Valentine" and felt the need to lecture me on tastefulness.  As if I would ever name he or she that for real.   With that said, I am absolutely not that tacky.  It just feels good to call him or her something more personal than "the baby." 

.....Whomp there it is, I thought you knew!