Yesterday I made an attempt at explaining my religious views. I got frustrated and put that post aside for a while. I added a gadget today that tracks how often my page gets viewed. Guess what!..this page has only been viewed 11 times...I think I might need to quit worrying about expressing my religious views effectively because no one is likely to ever read about them anyway....funny how a blog can give you a false sense of importance until you enable something that numerically counts the cold, hard reality of your impact.
Today has been great! Ed and I slept in, went out for breakfast, walked around the park, went mattress shopping, hung out in Barnes and Noble and went out for dinner.
I found an awesome Georgia O'Keeffe coffee table book which I came home and ripped apart....literally. I have this vision of a framed picture collage wall of vibrant Georgia O'Keeffe prints. The torn up book is going to be great. However, after a trip to Michaels to check out framing options, I'm feeling a little down in the mouth. To do the project the way I want is going to cost a lot more money then I feel good about right now.
I had planned on putting my picture collage wall in our bonus room bedroom upstairs to help fill up the large amount of empty wall space up there. Now I'm realizing that the picture wall could be just the statement piece our ground floor study needs. However, the wall where this would go is also the wall we used for Russ' crib. As soon as we share our pregnancy news, I plan on dragging all the baby stuff we just put away back down to the study so Baby #2 can be closer to my bedroom for night time feedings. So, the study stays in limbo for a little bit longer. The office is sad to my husband and I right now. The once colorful room full of baby stuff is pretty bare now.
Speaking of Baby #2. I haven't been able to quit thinking about our secret news. It's all I talk about with my husband. I am in the process of thinking up creative ways to tell the family our news. This is keeping me somewhat distracted from the agony of keeping a secret like this for two more months. I am leaning towards getting the personalized M&M tins that have M&Ms printed with "We're Pregnant!," and various other cutesy things. I'm thinking we can put these in front of each place setting for Mother's Day brunch at the country club. Oddly enough, my husband actually likes this idea and hasn't made one remark about it's cheesiness.
Speaking of babies and my husband.....I am going to talk to my OBGYN about our autopsy the same day I go for my first prenatal visit. This appointment is about 10 days away. I asked my husband if he wants to go and he emphatically declined. It occured to me that talking about the autopsy is upsetting to my husband. I asked him about it and he surprised me by telling me that it depresses him to think about our son being cut up. I guess this surprises me because my husband had to take a year of gross anatomy classes in dental school and I wouldn't have thought the autopsy would bother him as much as the memory watching our sweet boy die and helping him die gracefully.
I am so thankful I got to hold my son while he died. It wasn't hard for me to leave his body in the hospital because it was so clear to me that his body wasn't him anymore. I suppose that is why the idea of an autopsy doesn't really bother me. Now, get me talking about watching him get sick and letting him go, that will tear me up....his body after that? Not so important to me. Most of the time I have felt like Ed and I have grieved similiarly, but the autopsy thing has shown me that we are not always exactly on the same page of our grief process. Make sense?
By the way, I think the idea of "closure" and phases of grief is all a bunch of horse shit. I think I'll save that rant for another day though.
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