What's With the Elephant?

Life hasn't been especially fair to me this past year....  In a nutshell, my healthy dad died about 15 months ago and my healthy baby son died 11 months later. So, no, life just isn't fair.

These days, when I walk into a room I bring my pet.  She's a big fat elephant.  Her name is Mortality.  No one talks about her.  And, she's a real bitch. 

Quite honestly, I am moving on with my life and I enjoy myself most days.  No one in my life particularly likes to bring up my pet elephant (my Dad and my son's deaths).  Everyone seems to feel more comfortable ignoring the elephant in the room.  Most days that's ok with me.  I want to be "Melanie."   Not "Melanie with the dead Dad and Baby." 

However, some times, I want to acknowledge that these wonderful men were in my live.  I want everyone not to look panicked when I start a sentence with, "When I was pregnant, I....."  I mean, come on!  I was pregnant for most of last year, I did have a baby and pretending it didn't happen doesn't make it less real.  My mom has expressed that some of her friends look a bit distressed when she casually references my father in conversation.  So what?  Is she supposed to block out 40 years of life anecdotes because a mere mention of my dad might stress everyone out?  Weird....just weird.

So, I've decided to journal anonymously (I doubt anyone who knows me will accidentally stumble upon my blog).  Why anonymously?  Well, there's my pet elephant that no one wants to talk about...that's why.  Also, I have a new pet elephant that is classified "top secret" right now.  So, if you do find this blog, do know me....then DO, keep your findings to yourself for a while. 

So, about this new elephant I'm dragging around with me.  The secret one.....well, I'm pregnant again.  I'm just not sure some of the people who love me most could handle it right now if something happens to this baby.  It's early...too early to share.  I'm in my 5th week which means I've really only been pregnant for a little bit more than two weeks.  Don't be fooled.  Not sharing my big news is killing me.  My husband and I waited only 4 days after getting a positive pregnancy test last time to share our news.  We were so excited.  And guess what...we are just as excited this time!  We're just exercising some self control right now.  So, here's to journaling anonymously instead of blurting out my big news prematurely.  Woohoo!