Whomp There It Is!

Or should I say, "Oops There it Is!"  I told my mom about Val.  Then Ed told his parents.  Then we told Ed's cousin Marshall and his boyfriend Lito who we are close with.  Then we swore them all to secrecy.  And Whomp There It Is...Our secret....it's leaking out....  And how do I feel about this?  Well, I'm strangely hearing "Whomp There It Is......Jump jump rejoice....There's a party over here a party over there...."  Well you get it...It feels good to celebrate a little even with a handful of people. 

In 6 days I will have my first OB appointment.  I am going to ask my OB some questions about Russ' autopsy report which should be relatively awkward.  If I weren't expecting, I would take some Xanax for this visit to ensure a productive, more likely to be tear-free meeting.  But, that's just not an option.  I was prescribed 60 low dose Xanax pills when Russ died.  I rationed them out for the most difficult days and ended up with quite a few extra which I am placing off limits now.  Perhaps it may seem weak that I turned to a drug after my son passed away.  Well, if you think that, let me tell you something...Tom Cruise is wrong and so are you.  When used properly there is a time and a place for what my husband calls "better living through chemistry."  If losing a child isn't a time when this is warranted, then WHAT IS?

I really want my OB to do an ultrasound at my appointment on Friday.  I think he is probably going to want to reschedule me for this during week 9.  At my appointment on Friday I will be 6 weeks & 4 days.  I really need to hear my baby's heart beat and know that this is a viable pregnancy.  Then I can put on a bigger pair of scrubs, go to work and OWN it that I am puffing up like a balloon....in fact celebrate it and be happy.  While baby Val might not be any bigger than a sweet pea, I am one of those lucky women that needs maternity pants as soon as the pee dries on the pregnancy test.  I retain a huge amount of water around my middle.  While not looking pregnant per se, I do look start to sport some magnificent muffin tops in regular clothes.  It's just better for everyone if I whip out the elastic pants. 

Anyway....I need to hear Val's heart beat so I can quit holding my breath and relax a bit.  I wasn't exactly naive with baby Russ about miscarriage.  Now, I know even more about the fragility of life.
On a lighter note, my mom actually thought I was serious about naming our child "Valentine" and felt the need to lecture me on tastefulness.  As if I would ever name he or she that for real.   With that said, I am absolutely not that tacky.  It just feels good to call him or her something more personal than "the baby." 

.....Whomp there it is, I thought you knew!

Nothing Important...just me, rambling (good post to skip if you bore easily)

Yesterday I made an attempt at explaining my religious views.  I got frustrated and put that post aside for a while.  I added a gadget today that tracks how often my page gets viewed.  Guess what!..this page has only been viewed 11 times...I think I might need to quit worrying about expressing  my religious views effectively because no one is likely to ever read about them anyway....funny how a blog can give you a false sense of importance until you enable something that numerically counts the cold, hard reality of your impact.

Today has been great!  Ed and I slept in, went out for breakfast, walked around the park, went mattress shopping, hung out in Barnes and Noble and went out for dinner. 

I found an awesome Georgia O'Keeffe coffee table book which I came home and ripped apart....literally.  I have this vision of a framed picture collage wall of vibrant Georgia O'Keeffe prints.  The torn up book is going to be great.  However, after a trip to Michaels to check out framing options, I'm feeling a little down in the mouth.  To do the project the way I want is going to cost a lot more money then I feel good about right now. 

I had planned on putting my picture collage wall in our bonus room bedroom upstairs to help fill up the large amount of empty wall space up there.  Now I'm realizing that the picture wall could be just the statement piece our ground floor study needs.  However, the wall where this would go is also the wall we used for Russ' crib.  As soon as we share our pregnancy news, I plan on dragging all the baby stuff we just put away back down to the study so Baby #2 can be closer to my bedroom for night time feedings.  So, the study stays in limbo for a little bit longer.  The office is sad to my husband and I right now.  The once colorful room full of baby stuff is pretty bare now.  

Speaking of Baby #2.  I haven't been able to quit thinking about our secret news.  It's all I talk about with my husband.  I am in the process of thinking up creative ways to tell the family our news.  This is keeping me somewhat distracted from the agony of keeping a secret like this for two more months.  I am leaning towards getting the personalized M&M tins that have M&Ms printed with "We're Pregnant!," and various other cutesy things.  I'm thinking we can put these in front of each place setting for Mother's Day brunch at the country club.  Oddly enough, my husband actually likes this idea and hasn't made one remark about it's cheesiness. 

Speaking of babies and my husband.....I am going to talk to my OBGYN about our autopsy the same day I go for my first prenatal visit.  This appointment is about 10 days away.  I asked my husband if he wants to go and he emphatically declined.  It occured to me that talking about the autopsy is upsetting to my husband.  I asked him about it and he surprised me by telling me that it depresses him to think about our son being cut up.  I guess this surprises me because my husband had to take a year of gross anatomy classes in dental school and I wouldn't have thought the autopsy would bother him as much as the memory watching our sweet boy die and helping him die gracefully. 

I am so thankful I got to hold my son while he died.  It wasn't hard for me to leave his body in the hospital because it was so clear to me that his body wasn't him anymore.  I suppose that is why the idea of an autopsy doesn't really bother me.  Now, get me talking about watching him get sick and letting him go, that will tear me up....his body after that?  Not so important to me.  Most of the time I have felt like Ed and I have grieved similiarly, but the autopsy thing has shown me that we are not always exactly on the same page of our grief process.  Make sense? 

By the way, I think the idea of "closure" and phases of grief is all a bunch of horse shit.  I think I'll save that rant for another day though. 

Big Russ and Little Russ....fishing in heaven

I had the most wonderful Dad.  My mom always boasted that he had the energy of two 20-year olds.  It was virtually impossible to wear him out.  He ate right most of the time, never smoked and was a "few and far between" drinker.  In June of 2009 my dad developed a tummy ache.  In July of 2009 he was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer.  A death sentence.  My parents traveled to MD Anderson in TX for more tests and a second opinion.  Dad's doctors were optimistic that given my Dad's excellent physical condition, he could be one of the ones to live 2 years.  We lost Dad just a few months later.  Dad continued to ride his bicycle and fish up until 10 days before he died. The picture below was taken by my husband less than a month before Dad died.

When my husband Ed and I learned of my Dad’s illness, we decided to start trying to have a baby immediately instead of waiting until I was finished with hygiene school.  If possible, we wanted my Dad to be a part of our child’s life for as long as possible.

About two months after Dad died I learned that I was pregnant.  Imagine my surprise when I learned that our child was due on Dad’s birthday!  This was surely a sign that things were going to get better for my family.  Our son was to be named after his grandfather, Russ Thrift. 

Baby Russ made his appearance on October 13, 2010.  He missed being born on his grandpa Russ' birthday by just 4 days.  We went home from the hospital in due time and began our life as parents.  My mom stayed with us to help for a few weeks which was GREAT.  We were loving life.  Yes, we were exhausted, but we were also so very happy.  Ed came home for lunch every day to see Russ.  The only argument my husband I had (even through sleepiness) was about who's turn it was to hold the baby.  We had newborn pictures taken when Russ was 8 days old.  Here's our favorite.

Then baby Russ' 13th day here on earth rolled around and everything changed over about 50 hours time.  I am going to cut and paste an email I sent out to friends and family regarding my son's death.  Lazy...I know. 

From: melanie.t.smith@hotmail.com
Subject: Memorial Service Wednesday
Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2010 15:19:54 -0400

Dear friends and family,

As many of you may have heard, our son, Russell Cooper Smith, passed away on Thursday evening in the arms of my husband and I. 

A memorial service will be held outdoors at Blue Springs located at 3505 Ga Highway #116, Hamilton, GA on Wednesday, November 3, 2010 at 2:00 PM.  Additional parking and a shuttle will be provided at the Callaway Blue Water Company located at 3120 Ga Highway 116, Hamilton, Ga 31811. 

 In lieu of flowers, we would like to request that donations be made to Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta at Egleston, 1405 Clifton Road, NE, Atlanta, GA 30322-1060.  Please specify for “Pediatric ICU in Memory of Russell Cooper Smith.”

Many of our friends and family have wanted to know what went wrong and how we went from a happy, healthy baby to this situation so quickly.  If you are interested, I am going to give you the simplified version in the next few paragraphs.  This may not be for everyone.

On Tuesday morning we had a happy, healthy child.  At diaper change time around 1pm, we noticed a small red spot on his stomach.  I took him to the pediatrician and were sent to Columbus Regional Hospital to start antibiotics for an umbilical infection.  We were assured that this was not something to worry about.  Within hours of arriving at the hospital Russ' condition began to deteriorate quickly.  We were moved to the PICU and our pediatrician and a neonatologist arranged for air transport to Egleston in Atlanta.  Weather was not our friend Tuesday night and we ended up waiting for a NICU ambulance to pick us up from Atlanta. 

When we arrived at Egleston, we met with several specialists and surgeons and it was decided that Russ needed immediate surgery.  The exact cause of our son's condition was not clear, and some of the causes were more terrifying than others.  This was the first time it came to our attention that our son's situation could be fatal.  Russ made it through surgery.  Part of his bowel and his appendix were removed.  The two parts on each side of his resectioned bowel were not reconnected yet because they were not healthy enough.  We were told we would return to Egleston in a month or so to have another surgery to reconnect his bowel and remove his ostomy bag.  We were also warned that Russ' next hurdle to was to overcome the infection that caused the necrotic part of his bowel.  Russ' stomach wall was very inflamed and it was a mystery to our countless doctors as to whether or not our son's problem began in the stomach wall or in the bowel. 

Over the next 24 hours we worked with some of the best pediatric specialists in the world trying to figure out what happened to our healthy baby in a 24 hour time frame.  Those questions have still not be answered.  There is a possibility that our son had something unusual going on with his blood that caused or contributed to his condition.  He was repeatedly found to have too many red blood cells and throughout his treatment the doctors removed blood and replaced it with saline. 

During the middle of the night Thursday morning our son quit producing urine.  This could have been a sign that the pressure in his abdominal cavity was becoming too great to withstand normal activity.  It became a concern that we could lose more organ and bowel function because the pressure could cut off the blood supply to his abdominal organs.  Our surgeon had to make a judgment call on whether or not to reopen our son and leave him open with silo bags to cover his open abdomen.  This would have allowed his swelling bowel to swell to the outside of his body and relieve pressure.  Russ was not stable enough to be moved to the OR so a make shift OR was created in his hospital room for this second surgery. 

After the second surgery, we were told that the lack of urine was not caused by pressure and our son's incision had been closed again.  However, the lack of urine output was being caused by what is known as "third spacing."  This means that in reaction to a massive infection, our son's blood vessels were not holding fluids, but rather letting them leak into the tissues.  This was why our son was not releasing urine and he was swelling very rapidly. 

Throughout the day Thursday countless specialists convened and tried to figure out how to save our son.  At some point during the day the Director the PICU mentioned that there comes a point when we were going to need to decide whether we were doing things "for" Russ or "to" Russ.  It became clear as the afternoon approached and our son was unable to maintain his own blood pressure and bigger fancier vents and stronger and stronger last resort medications got started that we were doing things "to" Russ rather than "for" him.  We were told that Russ' condition was irreversible and that the team of doctors involved felt that the he would not last more than 12 or so hours even with aggressive measures to keep him alive.

Ed and I had our son baptized in his hospital room with his grandparents, uncle Joel and a few others present on Thursday afternoon.  Ed and I then made the decision to have Russ' life sustaining medications removed with the exception of his pain medication and a vent.  It was important to us that he die with as much grace and dignity as possible.  We held Russell in our arms and let his heart quit beating while we held him.  It was the most difficult thing Ed and I have ever done and probably one of the best decisions we will ever make in our lives. 

We are having an autopsy performed and hope that we will be given some answers as to why this happened to our sweet baby.  We also know that we may never have those answers. 

So, now we are just working on surviving this ourselves and are so thankful for all the prayers and support so many of you have given us.  Our baby was a part of our lives for just 15 days and every one of those days was worth the pain we are feeling now. 

Love,

Melanie and Ed

Continued from before the inserted email.....Initially after losing baby Russ, I was so very angry about the unfairness of it all.  I realize now that perhaps my initial plans were exactly what happened.  My Dad IS going to be a part of my child’s life.  This is the deal I had prayed for.  I just didn’t know God’s terms.  I feel certain baby Russ has already had his first fishing lesson by now and that Dad is taking excellent care of his namesake.

Don't be fooled though.  I would love to be this inspirational person who shows great religious inspiration during times of trouble.  But, I would be lying to you if I let you believe that I don't have doubts about my faith.  I think it's these doubts that make me human.  I'll save my thoughts on religion for later.  That's a whole can of worms in and of itself. 

Consolation Prize

Guess what?  Life isn't fair and skinny isn't the consolation prize......  But, Jamaica is! 

I booked my husband and I a fun in the sun all-inclusive Jamaican vacation for the end of May.  Couldn't be more excited! 

So, keeping my big secret is becoming more and more of a challenge.  I blurted my secret out to the travel agent today.  I justified this outburst because I just HAD to explain why I needed travel insurance, right?  My husband asked me before dinner with his parents if he could tell them...."Of course not!" 

Then there was the big lie today.  I am a hygienist at my husband's dental practice.  I was telling one of the other hygienists that my mouth felt gross today because I had to eat some TUMS last night in bed after I brushed my teeth.  "Melanie, are you pregnant again?"  Deny, deny, deny!  That was my strategy.  I brought up the all-inclusive Jamaica trip with inclusive alcoholic beverages to try to throw her off my track.... I don't think it worked to be honest.  I am a bad liar. 

My secret keeping goal is Mother's Day which is May 8th.  My mom is coming for Mother's Day weekend and my brother and his girlfriend will probably be here too.   We could invite my in-laws for the outing too.  Mother's Day would mark the last day of week 14 of my pregnancy with "Val."  Hopefully I'll be in the "safe" zone by then. 

So, on a slightly less cheery note, we finally got my son's autopsy last week.  What to do with it?  I'm just not sure.  We have thought about having a reading of the autopsy done by a person far away from our town.  We  have been told that if there is anything goofy that contributed to our son's death, that Columbus doctors cover each others' backs. 

My mom got a voice message from my Dad's college roommate regarding some sort of reunion.  DING, DING, DING....the bell went off for Mom...Dad's old buddy is a pediatrician.  Mom wanted to know if we would like to have him read the autopsy since he lives in New York.  Ahhh, so many emotions about this and ALL of them contradict each other.  I really don't know what I want to do.  Perhaps tomorrow I will write about what happened with Dad and baby Russ.  For now, I think I am going to call it a night.

Val

My husband and I came up with a temporary nickname for our baby until we know the sex....."Val."  We are due November 7th.  Hey, at least he or she is not nicknamed "Tequila" or "Westin"....

What's With the Elephant?

Life hasn't been especially fair to me this past year....  In a nutshell, my healthy dad died about 15 months ago and my healthy baby son died 11 months later. So, no, life just isn't fair.

These days, when I walk into a room I bring my pet.  She's a big fat elephant.  Her name is Mortality.  No one talks about her.  And, she's a real bitch. 

Quite honestly, I am moving on with my life and I enjoy myself most days.  No one in my life particularly likes to bring up my pet elephant (my Dad and my son's deaths).  Everyone seems to feel more comfortable ignoring the elephant in the room.  Most days that's ok with me.  I want to be "Melanie."   Not "Melanie with the dead Dad and Baby." 

However, some times, I want to acknowledge that these wonderful men were in my live.  I want everyone not to look panicked when I start a sentence with, "When I was pregnant, I....."  I mean, come on!  I was pregnant for most of last year, I did have a baby and pretending it didn't happen doesn't make it less real.  My mom has expressed that some of her friends look a bit distressed when she casually references my father in conversation.  So what?  Is she supposed to block out 40 years of life anecdotes because a mere mention of my dad might stress everyone out?  Weird....just weird.

So, I've decided to journal anonymously (I doubt anyone who knows me will accidentally stumble upon my blog).  Why anonymously?  Well, there's my pet elephant that no one wants to talk about...that's why.  Also, I have a new pet elephant that is classified "top secret" right now.  So, if you do find this blog, do know me....then DO, keep your findings to yourself for a while. 

So, about this new elephant I'm dragging around with me.  The secret one.....well, I'm pregnant again.  I'm just not sure some of the people who love me most could handle it right now if something happens to this baby.  It's early...too early to share.  I'm in my 5th week which means I've really only been pregnant for a little bit more than two weeks.  Don't be fooled.  Not sharing my big news is killing me.  My husband and I waited only 4 days after getting a positive pregnancy test last time to share our news.  We were so excited.  And guess what...we are just as excited this time!  We're just exercising some self control right now.  So, here's to journaling anonymously instead of blurting out my big news prematurely.  Woohoo!